Mistakes & Glory
“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose …" - unknown.
Last week a friend of mine asked me if I had anything which I needed prayer for. I quickly replied:
“Showing myself grace when I make a mistake.”
I’ve been playing camps for about 7 weeks now and I don’t think there has been a set we’ve played where I haven’t messed up. They have ranged from small mistakes (“that’s the wrong bass drum pattern, Edwin”) to big mistakes (counting in a song in the wrong tempo and trying to play it off) For you musicians reading this: I was off by 30 bpms. That’s a big gap. It’s hard to recover from something like that.
I over apologized to the dudes even if they didn’t notice it. I beat myself up. I dwell on a mistake for days and with each new one that I make, the gut wrenching knot in my stomach intensifies. It’s like I was punching a punching bag except that bag I put up on a chain is me. I am like this because I know my mistakes can be attached to the band. My weakness is their weakness.
I’ve been doing this to myself for about a year or so. On and off the stage. Constantly punching myself until my knuckles bleed and in turn, bruising my body because I am letting people down. It’s a sickening feeling. I didn’t know if I was going to make the summer.
What’s the resolution? I don’t know.
I think the first step would be to unclench my fist.
I would take a moment to breathe in and breathe out.
I’d reach up and untie myself from the chains I put myself in.
I’d tell myself that grace covers all mistakes & that we are not the hero of our story.
“Glory means something magnificent is going on.” - Jamie George.
I wish I knew how to end this entry. Maybe there is no resolve to these feelings. Maybe they are there as constant reminders that I have to trust in something higher than myself.